Friday, February 27, 2009

One More Caleb Post...

One more Caleb post as the month of February winds down...

When I see black Jeeps I smile. Why? They remind me of my son. I miss him. But each day I am blessed with many happy reminders of him (and others who have passed on). When I see a black Jeep, my heart feels lighter. My thoughts flash back to joyful times riding with Caleb behind the wheel of his own black Jeep. On my morning walk today, I saw three. I am buoyant.

Bright yellow rubber ducks and soap bubbles trigger happy Caleb-thoughts too. Chain mail and RenFairs, and Dr Pepper cans make me smile. (Caleb drank a lot of Dr. Pepper – always without ice, an idiosyncrasy he shares with his father.) There are so many delightful (and foolish) reminders of my son.

This time of year, I am especially cognizant of the hole left in my heart when Caleb died. (He died in a motorcycle accident on February 25th 2002, just days after his 26th birthday.)

I am even more cognizant these days, how losing him has changed who I am and how I live. In so many ways the change has been for the better. Rattled out of complacency and forced to live…to share my heart, to be open and vulnerable.

It sometimes seems to me when people die, they leave behind a little of themselves with those people who were part of their lives. I found myself expressing so many of mother and father’s traits after they died. And so it is with Caleb’s death. This legacy, these gifts of character that seem to surface after death are a wonderful surprise and a way to keep their spirits alive in daily life.

These days, I find myself living larger these days, loving more fully, being kinder, less impatient, more content, …I credit this to lessons learned from watching loved ones pass on to another realm.

This pilgrimage I am undertaking, this walk of gratitude, is, in part, realized because of Caleb. Our children spent many of their formative years living in Spain, so of course I am drawn there…it holds a sense of home for me. It was the place where I really learned to be a wife and mother. I raised my young family there. Spain was home for ten years. Caleb was born there, my daughter graduated from high school there.

I don’t believe in ghosts, but I know Caleb’s spirit is with me as I go about my days and as I make my happy plans for my pilgrimage. I am sure he will accompany me on my journey across northern Spain. And so will my mother and father. They will whisper to me and make me smile and laugh…or do the right thing…or take risks.

We all reflect one Spirit – this I know. We reflect Life, Truth, Love, Soul, Principle, Mind and Spirit – the myriad qualities associated with them.

We are not mere mortals…we are so much more.

Life is good…not always easy, often short, but Life is good…


Tita Pat and Tito Bert said...

Hello "Ginn"

I grieve for you for the passing of your dear son.

I recently happened upon your blog, as I am interested in the Camino de Santigo and had dreamed about walking it when I turned 50. Unfortunately this did not happen. As you may understand, the dream did not disappear, it was just postponed.

Fortunately, during the summer of 2008, I had the opportunity to finally go, and to walk with my 24 year-old son Paul. Due to time constraints, we could only walk from Sarria to Santiago but it was a very special trip. I dedicated my walk to the memory of his grandmother, my mother-in-law Ligaya.

Next year, I plan to walk on the Camino again with my husband Bert, who desperately tried to dissuade Paul and I from going on the Camino and who now (after realizing that we could actually survive the possible terrible things that would potentially happen to us) would like to go.

I am thrilled that you are going and that you are sharing your story with folks you don't know.

Buen Camino,

PS: In case you are interested, I have started a blog too, just to learn how to do it. Here is the link

Virginia said...

Hello Pat!

Thank you for your kind words ...

I love that you decided to pursue your camino-dream despite your spouses' attitude and opinions. I have to alaugh a bit, but I did something similar years ago - my spouse had no desire to see Paris, but I deceided to just go anyway. I think he was susrprised really...and he missed me too! The next time I suggested an adventure, he decided to go with me! (I am going solo on this camino adventue though)

How delightful you could share the camino experience with your son - what a nice way to bond!

I will check out your blog...

Life is good...

On a Sunny Day in Santa Fe