One More Caleb Post...

One more Caleb post as the month of February winds down...

When I see black Jeeps I smile. Why? They remind me of my son. I miss him. But each day I am blessed with many happy reminders of him (and others who have passed on). When I see a black Jeep, my heart feels lighter. My thoughts flash back to joyful times riding with Caleb behind the wheel of his own black Jeep. On my morning walk today, I saw three. I am buoyant.

Bright yellow rubber ducks and soap bubbles trigger happy Caleb-thoughts too. Chain mail and RenFairs, and Dr Pepper cans make me smile. (Caleb drank a lot of Dr. Pepper – always without ice, an idiosyncrasy he shares with his father.) There are so many delightful (and foolish) reminders of my son.

This time of year, I am especially cognizant of the hole left in my heart when Caleb died. (He died in a motorcycle accident on February 25th 2002, just days after his 26th birthday.)

I am even more cognizant these days, how losing him has changed who I am and how I live. In so many ways the change has been for the better. Rattled out of complacency and forced to live…to share my heart, to be open and vulnerable.

It sometimes seems to me when people die, they leave behind a little of themselves with those people who were part of their lives. I found myself expressing so many of mother and father’s traits after they died. And so it is with Caleb’s death. This legacy, these gifts of character that seem to surface after death are a wonderful surprise and a way to keep their spirits alive in daily life.

These days, I find myself living larger these days, loving more fully, being kinder, less impatient, more content, …I credit this to lessons learned from watching loved ones pass on to another realm.

This pilgrimage I am undertaking, this walk of gratitude, is, in part, realized because of Caleb. Our children spent many of their formative years living in Spain, so of course I am drawn there…it holds a sense of home for me. It was the place where I really learned to be a wife and mother. I raised my young family there. Spain was home for ten years. Caleb was born there, my daughter graduated from high school there.

I don’t believe in ghosts, but I know Caleb’s spirit is with me as I go about my days and as I make my happy plans for my pilgrimage. I am sure he will accompany me on my journey across northern Spain. And so will my mother and father. They will whisper to me and make me smile and laugh…or do the right thing…or take risks.

We all reflect one Spirit – this I know. We reflect Life, Truth, Love, Soul, Principle, Mind and Spirit – the myriad qualities associated with them.

We are not mere mortals…we are so much more.

Life is good…not always easy, often short, but Life is good…