Making My List, Checking it Twice...

I am sipping coffee (see my most-appropriate mug in the photo!) on this fine Thursday morning. I am also happily compiling bits of Camino information into my sturdy yellow-paged notebook, the notebooks that will travel with me for my 40 days of walking.

When I originally developed schemes for making this Camino adventure a reality, I had planned to have days and days to accomplish this pleasant task. I had planned to spend Jan-mid-April as a lady of liesure. But human plans frequently go awry or are discarded in the face of unexpected events. I ended up spending the last few months "pinch-hitting" at the office where I was formerly a VISTA. I was needed, in the absence of someone who had a family emergency. Thus my dreams of leisurely hours to plot and plan and consider all the myriad details of my trip, were reduced significantly.

So in the end, here I am, just days before departure, planning my tentative itinerary.

Of course it will be fine. I am not one who ever rigidly follows a plan. Planning is just an illusion of control.

Planning is a pleasant occupation and I recommend it as a mind-expanding exercise. It is like a mental exploration, an opportunity to determine what is really important and of value. Implementing the plan is not half as important as the planning. So, while my planning has taken a backseat to life, I am happily planning now. Tuesday was my last day in the rat-race of office demands.

I hope to post a tentative itinerary and my modest packing list. I have read so many Camino packing lists and itineraries over the past year and they never fail to move me.

I love to think of each individual as they make the hundreds of small decisions that lead up to their ultimate packing list. It is even more delightful to see post-Camino packing lists with a lessons-learned narrative included. The "what would I do differently" issue.

Perusing itineraries is engaging too. I read recommendations and mentally file them away.

I suspect, I will happily mull over all the recommendations and opinions I have garnered and then, I will follow my heart as I make my daily decisions on how far to walk, where to stay. This is kind of how I have lived my life - observing people, asking questions, considering opinions and then following my own heart and frequently making my own path or setting my own pace.

So check back later for a post that includes a packing list (with weights) and perhaps a list of potential stopping places.

Today I shall enjoy the planning and the coffee (in my cheerful Espana cup!).

Next Thursday, I may well be trekking my way down the Pyrenees and on my way into Pamplona.

We shall see!

Some Random Thoughts...

What I Know for Sure…

I am going to walk the Camino – about 500 miles across northern Spain. I am going alone. I will carry all my things on my own back. I have allowed 40 days. Each day, I will move (forward). Each day, I will see the world around me and give conscious thanks for the abundance and beauty around me and for the gifts that so frequently go unnoticed in the work-a-day world. I will spiritualize my thinking. I will be letting go of mortal illusions that blind me to the Truth.

What I Wonder…

When I return from my pilgrimage, what will others have done with their 40 days? While I am moving forward, making conscious steps, what will friends, family, associates do with their precious 40 days?

Are people trapped by routine or is it fear, is it complacency, inertia?

And who will I be? Will I have changed? Will I really have moved forward?

Good Friday Pilgrimage to Chimayo...

Each year on Good Friday about 30,000 people make the pilgrimage to Chimayo, a small historic mountain village about an hour north of Santa Fe, NM. They come for a variety of reasons and they make their trip on foot. These pilgrims converge on a tiny church in the village and pay their respects, ask for healing or give thanks. Many come away with small bags or bottle filled with holy dirt they collect from a sacred spot within the church. The area is littered with abandoned braces, canes, walkers, orthopedic shoes. There are bouquets of flowers left as offerings and icons of saints, crosses made of every imaginable material.

I did not walk to Chimayo. Instead, a friend and I set up a table and distributed water to the pilgrims as they passed by us on their long walk to Chimayo. Many walked over 100 miles, others started closer to Chimayo and logged only 10 or 20 miles. There were old people and there were babies and small children, people on horseback and others walking with the aid of companions supporting them. A wandering troubadour stopped and serenaded us for a while. Many began their walk at midnight and trekked through the dark night to arrive at dawn. Others walked through the heat of the day. Some were pious, some filled with laughter.

It is gratifying to see these pilgrims. As they pass or stop to sip water, they thank us for being there. But I find myself thanking them, for showing me their faith, for living their faith.

Soon, I will be walking my own pilgrimage, a different pilgrimage - the 500 mile walk to Santiago de Compostella. But on this Good Friday, I was happy to simply be a spectator. I was happy to simply offer a cool drink to those who were on a mission.

Life is good...

A Bon Voyage Party in the Works...

My sweet spouse is conjuring up a "Bon Voyage" party for me. The day before I depart for my 6 week adventures along the Camino, I will be enjoying farewells and friendship. He is a thoughtful man, my husband.

Though it is his function (he'll handle all the food and arrangements), I am sure I will have some cleaning and preparing for the open-house. It will be a fine diversion since I can think of little other than my impending trip. I depart in about 10 days! Yay!

Hosting a party is a bit of an aberration for us. We have not lived in Santa Fe long so we have few associates or friends really nor are we by nature very social people. We tend to spend our time together doing simple things: gardening, reading, walking our dog, writing or working on the computers. In recent years we have really become quiet home-bodies in many ways.

Our work with AmeriCorps*VISTA brought us here and the nature of these one-year commitments is service with an emphasis on battling poverty. The stipends are meager - a challenge to live on and a good experience in how much of the world lives...just getting by. Or as my oldest sister graciously words it: "living in genteel poverty."

Of course AmeriCorps*VISTA is about service and it is not a forever lifestyle. But coming on the tail of a few years in Ukraine with Peace Corps (also a service role) we have become accustomed to living quite modestly and frugally. Entertaining has been very casual and infrequent.

We have been living like college students for the past several years!

So the idea of a party gives me mixed feelings. Our mix of quirky associates, workmates and friends may wonder about us, when they see us at home! I use the term "home", somewhat loosely. We are actually house-sitting here. Yes we have our possessions here, but by and large, we are almost camping. I've unpacked many things, but made no coordinated effort at decorating, since this is not my house. Of course it is homey, cheerful and very casual, but not a reflection of my style. Furniture is a hodge-podge of garage-sale finds. (We are actually "couch-sitting" too - the owners are living in Spain for a year or so and the couch remains in our care!)

Upon my return from my Camino travels, we will begin a new chapter of our lives. We will be leaving behind service jobs and seeking out something more mainstream and hoping to finally put down roots somewhere. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Yes, in many ways we seem to have lead a pilgrims life for most of our lives together.

So my sweet spouse is hosting a party for me. Perhaps I should stop blogging and do a little cleaning!

If you are in the area - join us at the party and wish me a buen camino, face-to-face! (E-mail me for details!)

There is Nothing I Would Rather Do...

Happy details are all I have left before I begin my Camino adventure. Less than 2 weeks to go before the sojourn commences.

Today I plan to order some Euros. When the rubber meets the runway in Madrid, I will already have local currency. This is my first experience with Euros.

I notified my bank of my travel plans and opened a small account which I can access with an ATM card. My spouse will transfer cash into my account as needed. This is my plan to avoid losing my shirt if someone somehow absconds with my VISA card.

Another pleasant task I will undertake today involves sewing a Camino patch onto my backpack.

I pick up my phrase book and practice my Spanish on the dog. She cocks her head, then looks away.

My tiny pack and spartan contents are all patiently waiting to be of service.

I am ready. I am simply biding my time. I am trying to stay in the now. I am frequently and uncharacteristically quiet because all I want to talk about is the impending trip. I try to spare my friends and coworkers.

My Camino thoughts preoccupy me - many opportunities to practice living in the now. I am reminded of wonderfully simple affirmations shared by Arthur Paul Boers (at the Gathering of American Pilgrims on the Camino): There is no place I would rather be. There is no one I would rather be with. There is nothing else I would rather do.

I am grateful that there are several major work-related projects to occupy my mind before I check out of this life and immerse myself in the pilgrimage. And in my free time, I am finding small, pleasant Camino-related tasks to occupy my head and hands. The affirmations run through my subconscious. I smile. My breathing slows.

I am ready. I am happy.

Life is good...

Happily Compiling my Itinerary...

My desk is piled high with paper covered with cryptic notes and print outs from various blogs and websites. A thick, dog-eared atlas with 1:300.000 scale maps of Spain is spread open and there are pencilled comments scrawled along the meandering path of the Camino de Santiago. A half-empty coffee cup stands abandoned nearby. Wadded up papers fall onto the floor. What a clutter! What chaos!

Most of the weekend, I've pored over guide books, recommendations and lists that I've collected for months and months. The tentative list of stops is coming together and the list is annotated with information of the altitude and walking ratings, sights to seek out, alburques and refugios to stop at and those to avoid. And of course, I love castles, no matter what their condition, so I've penciled them in as must-see side trips.

There is information on likely weather (certainly not likely to be very accurate - Spring weather is flirtatious or temperamental) and good places to dine on the cheap. There are annotations on art, architecture, history and frivolous things too. There are phone numbers, addresses and bits of poetry and prose...

The list is awkward and, like my desktop, it is messy. I will be editing soon and making a neat, clean copy in my personal journal.

The time is fast approaching when I will board the airplane and head east to begin my Camino de Santiago.

I am so grateful for all the advice and guidance veteran pilgrims have been sharing with me. Compiling it all is a pleasure (and a pain). In the end, I may or may not follow my lovingly-prepared plan.

So why plan? I find pleasure in the planning (the "what ifs"!), just as I find pleasure in the walking. It is not the destination, it is the journey, whether it is planning or engaging.

I am very likely to follow my heart and pursue something not on my agenda. A cattle fair, an open market, a band concert, a parade of kittens, a perfect picnic spot, a flock of sheep... anything may distract me from the path. And it will!

Of course, to me, that is the very magic of the Camino...we find what it is we need, we are free to fully engage in life. It will be a buen camino! It will be MY camino.

PS: I've posted links to a few very useful tools for planning a walk along the Camino. These sites provide a wonderful start to getting an outline of where to go, when to stop, where to stay, what is costs, and what the weather might be. See the sidebar. Happy planning!

When Your Courage Kindles...Delight!

Here is my gift to you, gentle-reader, potential-pilgrim: someone else’s poetry.

I discovered this delightful piece as I surfed through the mass of amazing offerings the magical-Internet spills into my life each day. (Visit the New Dimensions website – worth lingering over…Google it!).

The advice that accompanied the poem recommended reading it aloud, savoring each phrase. It is a fine practice, reading aloud.

This is a pilgrim poem. Of course I do not think John O'Donohue had the camino to Santiago de Compostela in mind when he wrote these words. But his words describe many of my own feelings as the idea of attempting the pilgrimage came alive in my heart. Are you “…unable to leave what you had outgrown…”? How many of us are trapped by the “…seduction of safety..” ? And what about the “… delight, when your courage kindled…” and you moved forward with the dream to walk the pathway with “…eyes young again with energy and dream, a path of plenitude opening before …” you?

I particularly like the phrase (and philosophy): “…learn to find ease in risk…”

But read on for yourself, read with open heart and pilgrim eyes.

_________________________________________

FOR A NEW BEGINNING

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is one with your life’s desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

From Benedictus: A Book of Blessings
By John O'Donohue (Bantam Press 2007)

Pilgrims Travel Light...

Packing, packing, packing….it seems that if I am not packing, I am unpacking. In retrospect, the spaces between packing and unpacking and packing again are very brief.

Since I married my high school sweetheart back in 1971 (see photo, circa 1971), we have been (happily) on the move. We have alternately followed orders and followed our hearts. Years with the US Air Force (his 7 year tenure and then my 22 year career, when he played Mr. Mom and I was the Sergeant) took us so many places here and abroad. And there was our Peace Corps adventure in Ukraine. The move behind our current situation, working and house-sitting in sunny Santa Fe, is the result of accepting AmeriCorps and AmeriCorps*VISTA positions.

All in all, there are about 30 changes of residence over the past 35 years. (That explains why I frequently am at a loss when people ask for my phone number or home address!)

I laugh a bit whenever my sweet spouse talks of putting down roots somewhere. It sounds lovely, but I am not sure it will happen by choice. I think it may end up being a default situation where we simply stop…like the old pioneers who just stopped somewhere on their way west, crossing the vast, beautiful Great Plains of the USA.

Soon we will be packing again. Moving on to new jobs and new digs. Too soon to say when or where, but soon, no doubt.

In between our household moves there are travels which require planning, packing and loading. What is more fun than a road trip? We have been known to drive 500 miles (each way) over a weekend to ease cabin-fever in the great white north or to attend a party with old friends or to attend a Renaissance Faire or the Macy's Day or Rose Bowl Parades. Sometimes the family calls and sometimes the need for familiar faces pushes us into the car. And there is camping; escaping the phone, television, household chores for time outdoors relaxing in a hammock. And hiking up and down mountains in Malawi or exploring in Morocco.

And there is business travel too. One year in Spain, I travelled for the USAF almost 250 days to about ten different sites in several different countries. I came home weekend to wash my clothes and flew out again the next day. During one of those trips, our lease expired so my husband and son packed up our possessions and moved us to a new nest in a different town. When I came home to a place I’d never been before I felt a little like a visitor rather than the lady of the house!

My frequent moves have taught me to have confidence in this big old world and the people in it. No matter where we are, we find what we need. We find new friend and continue to cherish the old ones. We learn more about ourselves and our interests. We take risks and are rewarded with answers and successes. (There are occasional bruises, but they are good for the ego and keep people humble too…and taking the risk keeps us from wondering “what if?” and the feeling of bitterness that often comes when dreams are not put to the test.)

All this moving is kind of a dance of gratitude, a demonstration of faith, an awareness of abundance, a willingness to follow. It involves the courage to let go…to let go of things and ideas. It is an opportunity to trust as a little child.

I feel awareness, I see with new eyes…I assess what it is I value. All the beautiful lessons of life spill out like diamonds and rubies.

What has all this to do with my upcoming Camino? Not much really.

But as my departure date draws closer, the adrenaline begins to surface. I spend my time packing and unpacking. It feels good.

My tiny backpack (31 liters/22 ounces empty) will be home for the 40 days I plan to spend walking across northern Spain.

A pilgrim, by nature travels light.

And they carry all their riches, all that is important, in their hearts, not in their packs.

Life is good…

Another Day, Another Walk....

The pack, a modest REI, 31 liter pack weighing in at about 22 ounces, is on my back everyday now. The dog, my coach and motivator, gets me out the door each day.

Santa Fe, where I currently live, has about 300 sunny days each year. But that doe NOT mean it is warm here! Today the winds whipped down from the snow-covered mountains and made me wish I was home by the fire. Mornings are still in the 20's or 30's, but midday can be just as cold or can fly up to the 70s. Yesterday was delightful...a perfect spring day and temperatures in the 70s...tomorrow may find snow falling...

I walk each day and try to take advantage of hills and valleys to get a good workout. Santa Fe is about 7,000 feet in elevation. I hope that is a training advantage. I practice with an overloaded pack too. I even wear heavier shoes than I plant to take on the Camino.

The countdown is real now - in four weeks, I will be somewhere over the Atlantic anticipating breakfast in Madrid. I plan to take a quick trip to Plaza Mayor, before I negotiate a trip by bus up to Pamplona and then on to Roncevalles.

Somehow this adventure does not feel real yet...I just cannot believe I am lucky enough to pursue this crazy dream.

'Tis the Gift to be Simple...

“ 'Tis the gift to be simple, tis the gift to be free.”

- Joseph Brackett (Shaker Hymn)

Yesterday sweet Miss Zia and I tramped around, I wearing my full pack and Miss Z, dancing along at my side, as always pulling hard on the leash. I am the tortoise and she the hare.

She wound down after a while so we stopped under a juniper and I shared water with her. She laid there panting while I poured out water into her dish. She lapped up the water and then pawed at the bowl for more.

It was beautiful standing out there in the bright day with the panoramic view of the mountains (still snow on them!). I might have missed this moment, if the dog had not needed to rest. A simple gift from her. I reciprocated with pure water. I scratched behind her ears as we enjoyed the gentle spring breeze.

So often we miss the moments and spend our time in the future.

Later today - I am off to Lowes for some tomato seedlings and then back home to work on some more logistical things for my trip...my gear is coming together. Got some good sandals for post-walk relaxation. Light weight Merrils...they hug my feet in a happy way.

The Future...
When I return home from the Camino, it will be time to start another chapter of our lives. Last night I looked (Online) at AmeriCorps*VISTA jobs -many of the opportunities intrigue me. Loving what you do is important and feeling as if you make a contribution is essential too. There are several VISTA positions that intrigue me. They last only a year...they may be a foot in the door and an opportunity to pursue a new path for a year.

(VISTA jobs are usually capacity building, requiring honed skills and providing better benefits than AmeriCorps positions which are hands-on.) There's a couple positions in Albuquerque that interest me...one at KUNM (Public Radio)working with teens and media....very appealing...MAYBE...but for now, the Camino is the path I am walking. It is not time to move forward on the future. I pause and reflect - like Miss Zia, resting under the tree, enjoying the cool water and the gift of the moment in the shade, I focus on the immediate and relish it. The Camino is my pathway just now. I pause and relish the preparations.

Travelling light and staying conscious of the beauty and abundance around me is my current job. Expressing gratitude is so important, and for me that is what this wonderful opportunity is about. I will have what I need. Walking the Camino is an opportunity to see that belief in action. I can only follow one path at a time. I push aside the temptation to worry - the temptation to be drawn into the drama and limitations of the material, and I look beyond it to things more spiritual.

The simple act of walking the Camino to Santiago is a gift, a simple gift, a gift of freedom...and I will find myself in "the valley of love and delight."*

*The lyrics for the Brackett's Shaker song (quoted above) follow:

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gain'd,
To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,
To turn, turn will be our delight,
Till by turning, turning we come out right.

Life is good...

Walking on a Spring Day

Spring is in the air so I loaded up my backpack and headed off for a long walk with my dog Zia.


I start of my Camino is only a few weeks off so getting in condition is important and my dog loves to hike across the desert.

My 31 liter pack (empty it wieghs 22 ounces) is loaded with about 25 pounds of canned goods. I do not intend to carry such a heavy load, but for conditioning purposes that is what I am doing.

Today Zia and I walked along the desert for a while and then spent time walking up and down hills to help me build up strength in my knees. I also wear my pack at home and make a point of going up and down the stairs to help me build strength.

The afternoon speeds quickly by. There is joy in the simple pleasure of walking.

Life is good...

The Gathering of American Pilgrims on the Camino

I am processing. Unfortunately I must go to the office today and fain interest in all the urgent (if not so important) events going on there. But I know I will be preoccupied.

What is on my mind? I spent the last several days as an apprentice among a gathering of an amazing group of veterans of the Camino. It was a rich experience to attend the Annual Gathering of the American Pilgrims of the Camino (APOC).

I learned so much and laughed so hard...my brain is full now and so, happily, is my heart. I am as engorged spiritually as one might feel physically after the all-American Thanksgiving feast!

I must ready myself to go back into the mundane world, but I hope to revisit this topic within a few days. For now I will simply say a big thank you to all those generous pilgrims who came together to share this Walk in the Spirit. It was a miracle of love. I am grateful for everyone who came and opened their hearts - I am enriched and joyful...

Life is good...so very good...

40 Days to Go...Counting Down

40 days remaining - yes, I will be in Spain in just 40 days. I say "just" 40 days but it seems like a long wait.

40 days in Spain - yes I will be in Spain for about 40 days. I should say "just" 40 days because it seems like such a brief visit.

The days spent waiting to depart on this adventure go slowly while the days spent walking the Camino will go quickly...Clearly time is a mortal concept.

We human just think it is an accurate measure.

Life is good... as I count down the days.

Backpack Lust & a Series of Unfortunate Choices

I made a series of mistakes over the past few days. What to do, what to do?

It started out innocently enough. I gave in to the compulsion to wander into the local REI. For me, a visit to the REI store is much like a visit to the animal shelter: temptation is all around and emotions run high. I should avoid these places at any cost.

I lovingly refer to this grand camping, hiking and sporting goods behemoth, as an adult toy store. It is delightful to while away the hours wandering through the aisles examining all the specialized equipment. Most of these clever items are pricey and extravagant and frequently pretty useless in the end.

In the course of poking fun at foolish extravagances and over-the-top equipment, my spouse and I found ourselves in the backpack department. That’s when the dragon reared his ugly head. Yes, somehow the equation, of needs versus desire got transposed when I breathed in the heady air inside the store and saw the array of beautiful backpacks lining the walls. (There is a scent, almost like a new-car smell!) I love bags of any kind, so this was a dangerous place for me to be.

I was casually examining the tags on a lightweight pack, when the cheerful saleswoman, on the scent of a possible sale, grinned at me and said, “Just try one on.”

It is true that I NEED a back pack. In fact, for several months I have been researching and getting recommendations on lightweight backpacks. I intended to order a Gossamer Gear pack and was planning to place that order following the Gathering of American Pilgrims next weekend.

But hey, why not just try one on? So, I slid my arms into the embrace of the backpack as the saleswoman chattered on about how to adjust the various straps. My heart began beating faster. Not a good sign, but I was already oblivious to most of what was going on. (Pack-lust!)

My sweet spouse, the voice of reason, pointed out that this pack had a very agreeable price tag.

Furthermore, we had a coupon for 20% off. By now, the saleswoman had me securely strapped in and had loaded the pack with 20 or so pounds of weight.

She smiled again, and said, “Just wear it around the store while you window shop a bit. See what you think.”

I was clearly not thinking.

If my spouse had any training in emergency medicine, he might have noticed my dilated pupils, my racing heart, my flushed face. But he did not.

In fact, he said, “Look at the weight of this pack – only 24 ounces! That’s not much more than the Gossamer Gear pack.” (Post script: the GG Miniposa weighs 14 ounces)”

That is when the rationalizations really began to fly.

My husband and I began an enthusiastic discussion on the relative merits of this pack over those of the GG Miniposa. This pack has a back pad while the GG Miniposa pack has none (because minimalist hikers strategically place their sleeping pad there instead…this shaves off weight. But since I would not be using a sleeping pad this was a moot point.)

I could not try on the GG Miniposa pack since it is available only online. Could I be sure the mail-order pack would fit me as nicely as the pack I was happily toting around the store at this very moment? (Hmm, mail-order spouse versus the guy I met at a dance?)

On and on the rationalizing (disguised as logic) went.

“Great price, great fit, great weight…let’s do it!” I said, pulling out my credit card and leaving the store with a brand new backpack.

Once home, I immediately made the pack my very own. I carefully and happily snipped off all the labels and lopped off the extra cords, and eliminated anything extraneous. All this in the interest of shaving off ounces of weight.

Then I began to stuff my down sleeping bag into the top-loading pack. This was the start of a long evening of entertainment for anyone who might have been watching. I wrestled with that sleeping bag, trying to find a good way to pack it into the backpack with any space remaining for my two changes of clothes and the other few items on my checklist.

By the end of the night, I was exhausted physically and emotionally. It was clear I would have to strap my sleeping bag in a compression sack on the outside of my tiny pack. I was not amused.

In the clear light of day, after a restless night agonizing over this matter I must admit, I somehow bought an 1,800 cubic inches/ 30L pack, weighing 24 ounces. In all my research I had been looking at packs with a volume of more than 2,000 cubic inches and most around 35L. The more suitable GG Miniposa’s statistics are: 2,800 cubic inches/45L and 14 Ounces.

What was I thinking? (Slap to the forehead and big sigh!)

All this from a notoriously frugal shopper… (Another big sigh.)

As I tap this note out on my keyboard, I can almost hear my mother’s voice saying “Buy in hast, repent at leisure.”

So what’s the next move?

Do I live with the mistake and the consequences?

Or do I spring for another backpack?

Stay tuned for further misadventures on Peregrina Pulver.

Despite everything - Life is good...

Waiting for the Irresistible...

My decision to walk the Camino came as a quiet, urgent desire. It was like a small seed, planted deep in the earth, pushing upward toward the light and warmth.

The poor little plant was almost trampled under the plans and agendas of the busy world around me!

In a world that generally honors logic and checklists, goal-setting and efficiency, promotions and paychecks, we often fail to recognize our own needs and desires. We rush around designing, planning, consulting, outlining, budgeting...controlling. We fail to take time to dream or to feel.

In the past few years I have been consciously cultivating the capacity to listen to my heart and my feelings. (Events in my life have conspired to lead me back to this way of living more simply and making better choices.)

In the past few years I have nurtured dreams and waited for them to unfold like the blossoms on a rose. The seed has grown, the foilage is lush and green, the buds are ready to burst into flower.

So I am walking the Camino this April. And what's next? I do not know, but we shall see ...meanwhile, I am expectantly (and gratefully) waiting and anticipating…no checklists or outline, just openess and wonder.

Yesterday I read a wonderful post from the Great Work Blog. (michael@boxofcrayons.biz ) See the excerpt below and you will understand what I mean when I quote Cate Blabchett, “I’ll just wait for the next irresistible thing.”

I hope you do too!

_________EXCERPT FOLLOWS_________
“I’ll just wait for the next irresistible thing”Posted: 12 Jan 2009 03:28 AM CST

Cate Blanchett: possibly the best actor in the world at the moment, a stunning talent and beautiful too … and being Australian is just the cherry on the cake.

She’s the cover story of this month’s Vanity Fair, and manages to come across as wise.

When asked “what’s next?” her answer is a beauty:

“I’ll just wait for the next irresistible thing.”

In that simple answer lies wisdom that allows Great Work to flourish:
* Trust that the next great thing will show up
* A willingness to wait for it
* An ability to keep awareness and space open so, when it does show up, there’s the capacity to receive it

What does “irresistible” look like to you in the work that you do?

And how are you holding the space open enough so that you’ll notice it when it shows up?

______________EXCERPT ENDS_____________

One More Caleb Post...

One more Caleb post as the month of February winds down...

When I see black Jeeps I smile. Why? They remind me of my son. I miss him. But each day I am blessed with many happy reminders of him (and others who have passed on). When I see a black Jeep, my heart feels lighter. My thoughts flash back to joyful times riding with Caleb behind the wheel of his own black Jeep. On my morning walk today, I saw three. I am buoyant.

Bright yellow rubber ducks and soap bubbles trigger happy Caleb-thoughts too. Chain mail and RenFairs, and Dr Pepper cans make me smile. (Caleb drank a lot of Dr. Pepper – always without ice, an idiosyncrasy he shares with his father.) There are so many delightful (and foolish) reminders of my son.

This time of year, I am especially cognizant of the hole left in my heart when Caleb died. (He died in a motorcycle accident on February 25th 2002, just days after his 26th birthday.)

I am even more cognizant these days, how losing him has changed who I am and how I live. In so many ways the change has been for the better. Rattled out of complacency and forced to live…to share my heart, to be open and vulnerable.

It sometimes seems to me when people die, they leave behind a little of themselves with those people who were part of their lives. I found myself expressing so many of mother and father’s traits after they died. And so it is with Caleb’s death. This legacy, these gifts of character that seem to surface after death are a wonderful surprise and a way to keep their spirits alive in daily life.

These days, I find myself living larger these days, loving more fully, being kinder, less impatient, more content, …I credit this to lessons learned from watching loved ones pass on to another realm.

This pilgrimage I am undertaking, this walk of gratitude, is, in part, realized because of Caleb. Our children spent many of their formative years living in Spain, so of course I am drawn there…it holds a sense of home for me. It was the place where I really learned to be a wife and mother. I raised my young family there. Spain was home for ten years. Caleb was born there, my daughter graduated from high school there.

I don’t believe in ghosts, but I know Caleb’s spirit is with me as I go about my days and as I make my happy plans for my pilgrimage. I am sure he will accompany me on my journey across northern Spain. And so will my mother and father. They will whisper to me and make me smile and laugh…or do the right thing…or take risks.

We all reflect one Spirit – this I know. We reflect Life, Truth, Love, Soul, Principle, Mind and Spirit – the myriad qualities associated with them.

We are not mere mortals…we are so much more.

Life is good…not always easy, often short, but Life is good…

I Dream of Wild Horses...

Sometimes, I dream of wild horses.

Years ago, I planned a trip to northern Spain. It included a few days among the wild horses. But when the time came to take the trip, my "client" decided a return to Granada and the Alhambra was more to her liking. The grand tour of northern Spain was cancelled. Sigh.

I wanted to spend time with these creatures.

Sometimes I dream of wild horses.

Will I see them on my pilgrimage? I don't know.

But, I will know they are there...

Life is good...just unpredictable...

"Ginn"
Toasting Caleb on This Day...

Why I am Walking the Camino...

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.

- Ernest Hemingway - A Farewell to Arms

My walk this morning is dedicated to the joyful memories and the gentle magic my son Caleb brought to my life and that his spirit continues to bring.

I miss him fiercely, but when I look beyond (let go) of this grief, I find myself capable of gratitude for the years we had together and for what his death taught me about living. Grief and pain are like staring at a dark shadow and failing to see the abundant light behind me. Walking through the shadow if death has left me with a new exuberance for life, a talent for living more joyfully, for trusting more and taking risks.

The opportunity - the courage and motivation and all the other things necessary to make this pilgrimage possible (necassary), are in part due, to what I learned going through the experience of our son's death.

On this morning walk I enjoyed the beauty of a fine spring day full of promise.

Life is good...

Remembering Caleb J. Pulver: 02/22/76 - 02/25/02

See: www.pulverpages.com - CALEB Library Project & My Malawi Journals.

See photos of Caleb on my Facebook page

Clip Joint!

I spent the weekend clipping tags, cutting off buttons, etc. Every ounce counts. I shaved off 5 ounces off a 10-ounce windbreaker and several ounces off my sleeping bag and other items.

Laugh if you will, but 4 ounces is a tube of toothpaste...a couple pairs if silk sock-liners...a scarf...toilet paper...

Small things count - whoever said "don't sweat the small stuff" was probably not a backpacker!

See the photo to view my cumulative pile. I will post the weight collectively when I am finished with this project.

Of course, I am shaving off small amounts of weight yet, I am very likely to bring along some items others will find frivolous.

This exercise is kind of like drinking a diet Coke and eating a Snicker bar at the same time.

It is all about trade offs.

I will take a few frivilous items on my journey - a small, yellow rubber duck will probably travel with me...that is a story for another day.

Life is good...take it light! 8-)

Spiritual Preparations...

There is never enough time to simply reflect on the joys and the abundance of life. In fact, for me, the camino offers a welcome opportunity to simply think. The chief distractions along the way are the most routine demands of life.

During this stage of my preparations, I am reading Mary Baker Eddy’s Science and Health with Keys to the Scriptures. (Some people give up something for Lent - I am taking on something instead - yes, this is my morning reading for the next 40 days!)

The familiar texts take on a fresh meaning in light of my upcoming walk. There will be ample opportunities on this walk to demonstrate the truths I have learned from this textbook.

I had hoped to carry this book with me on my adventure, but it seems wisest to leave it behind. Perhaps I will tuck it in at the last minute (it wieghs in at 20 ounces) – I can always leave it behind at some stage of the trip. Some eager student of life or avid reader would benefit from the surprise of finding this book.

Even if the book stays safely at home, I will carry the lessons I have learned from Mrs. Eddy’s writings. They will make my footsteps light and buoy my thought.

In packing light, one makes their values evident by the choices one makes.

Life is good…